(this was written August '24 -- and the sentiment still holds true) I dropped my daughter off at college today, and drove home feeling more upbeat than usual. I guess I need to alter my perspective. Am I an old 55 year old man, who has lived his best days, or am I a young man still full of ambition. Are my best years still ahead of me, or have they passed? I am approaching a time when there will just be three of us at home. That makes a major difference time wise. What is my dream and how wil...

Life is busy. When I had my eldest, who is now 31 years old, I went on a short holiday to a caravan site in west Wales -- I think it was Saundersfoot or Tenby. I was newly married to my first wife and we had a little girl who was about 6 months that we were pushing along the promenade. I fell into a conversation with an older man, probably about 10 years older than I am now; a grandfather type figure. He looked at my little girl and said: "Children are one of the best kept secrets". I asked wha...

I have started writing this entry later than usual. I have set myself the challenge of writing first thing in the morning, after meditating, but it has been a particularly busy weekend. Friday was spent travelling and I ate late. Saturday I was at a training course and Sunday I had to pick my daughter up from a night out in town at 2am. So all in all I left feeling busy and tired. But today is a very straightforward day. I am tidying up ahead of a builder coming around tomorrow to organise some...

I spent much of yesterday in a hurry. There was an urgency to everything I did as I had fixed deadline. Work which needed completing by a certain time, travel plans which had to be met or missed, and multiple meetings across personal and business life. The day ended with a discussion with a gentleman who owns land next to mine which my wife and I are interested in renting short-term, and buying longer term, which was are first introduction. Then a late dinner with my daughter in a Turkish resta...

I have been struggling with my drinking again. After going dry for 6 months, I have been on and off for the last few weeks. In fairness it has been much more off than on, but I feel it's presence there and I know I have a fight on my hands and there is unfinished business with my additions. The last couple of days I have realised that the problem is more than anything one about patience, acceptance and peace. I have too little patience. The easiest way to demonstrate that is my attitude to mon...

It is Monday night, 3.00 am and I can not sleep. I have just finished listening to the first podcast recording I’ve made. It’s for a guy from a recruitment company we use at work. He hosts a podcast called Talking to Tech Leaders. Not really sure I qualify. I found it really stressful to make the podcast. I was surprisingly nervous, and I found it really stressful to listen to it. I spent the whole time looking for a trip-up and if I said something stupid. Thankfully, I think I pulled it off. ...

I woke up this morning terrified that I may revert to my old self. I was filled with despair: questioning why I should continue to exist when all I wanted to do was drink myself into oblivion. Nothing had changed - I am close to 6 months sober, signed off work due to stress: in recovery. What brought about this fear? I think it was due to my medications running out and my decision to go it alone—without any pharmacological support. I had a prescription being prepared, but I thought I would jus...