Recovery - only just

It is Monday night, 3.00 am and I can not sleep. I have just finished listening to the first podcast recording I’ve made. It’s for a guy from a recruitment company we use at work. He hosts a podcast called Talking to Tech Leaders. Not really sure I qualify.

I found it really stressful to make the podcast. I was surprisingly nervous, and I found it really stressful to listen to it. I spent the whole time looking for a trip-up and if I said something stupid. Thankfully, I think I pulled it off.

My drinking is going well. I haven’t had a drink for a very long time. I’m counting my dry days from September 9th, 2024, which makes it 232 days since I stopped drinking.

I’m taking Antabuse so I don’t get tempted, and I was taking a mild antidepressant to keep my mood calm, but I have since stopped that. It’s not quite the life I thought I would be living, but it’s one I need to embrace. AA Gill has a nice quote about how everything he had been and done led him to the point where he had to stop drinking. He couldn’t just keep the good bits and the fun bits and get rid of the drink. He had to do and be someone different, growing into a different person, rather than staying the same. Interestingly, in the book, he doesn’t mention how he recovered from drinking and drugs, just that he did. It’s an autobiography, and he states from the onset that if you’re looking for answers on how to start your own recovery, he has none to offer. That said, he adopted the name AA Gill, and there is some evidence that he was an active member.

Why this intrigues me is that my experience of AA is that it focuses on forever being in recovery. They encourage you to work to help other alcoholics, and the Big Book does, and they encourage you to meet regularly and either study a chapter of the book, like a Bible class, or discuss your experience of drinking. To me, this is looking backward to ensure you don’t repeat the mistakes of the past and fall back into drinking. It’s not looking forward and creating a life where drinking is not something you ever contemplate — as if you’re a person who has never drunk.

So the challenge I face is: How do I transform from who I’ve been to who I need to become? I’m much more in control of my life. I’m dry and have been without falling back into my bad old ways. I don’t trust myself without my Antabuse. I need a plan and need to put it into action. It probably comes back to my faith, health, career, and hobby mind maps.

One to ponder.